“Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate Valentine’s Day because I’m…single?”
Today is Valentine’s Day or in the singles world: Single Awareness Day (SAD). This is the day when all of the single people cry out in one mighty voice: “Nobody loves us!” Well, it’s not quite like that…but close.
Several years ago a friend of mine, Christina, gave me a little note on Valentine’s Day. On the front of the yellow note in big loopy handwriting was the word “LOVE.” Flipping the note open I read: “STINKS, yeah, yeah (heart) Christina.” I laughed, thanked her for the card, and asked, “Are you lonely?” She hesitated and responded, “All the time.”
Loneliness is a strange and oftentimes a very painful experience. To be single on Valentine’s Day is to be reminded that one is alone and perhaps unwanted. Our experience of being alone is often a negative reminder that something or someone is missing. There is an emptiness that has not been filled, and so many singles spend Valentine’s Day in a depressed and worried funk.
However, I think that we would be wise not to overlook the importance of loneliness in life. If loneliness is often connected to aloneness, then aloneness is often connected to identity. Loneliness is the cry of the heart seeking a full and complete identity. As a woman in labor cries out in agony while giving birth to a new life, so the heart cries out in loneliness while giving birth to the shaping of the soul. This is why we should be careful not to run away from the pain of loneliness and immediately seek comfort outside of ourselves. We must go through the full pain of loneliness to be fully ourselves. We must learn to be alone.
Almost fifty years ago, a Jesuit priest by the name of Barry McLaughlin wrote the following (emphasis mine) in his book, Nature, Grace and Religious Development (pgs. 46-47):
“Critics have also noted the American fear of loneliness. Individual identity is sacrificed in an effort to stay close to the herd, to be no different from others in thought, feeling, or action. To stand alone, to be alone, is to assert a personal identity which refuses to be submerged. Society will not tolerate this. Innumerable social features are designed to prevent it: stadiums to accommodate thousands at sport events, […] shared room in colleges, […] countless clubs, organizations, associations, societies, canned music (for silence is unbearable) […].
Yet one of the surest signs of the resolution of the identity crisis is an increased capacity for being alone, for being responsible for oneself. The gradual process that will end in perfect identity involves an awareness of the fact that there are decisions in life and aspects of life’s struggle that a person must face alone.
For as a young person becomes clearer in his [or her] own mind of his role in society and of his personal identity, he is likely also to become more aware of how he differs from others. Gradually he becomes conscious of his isolation from others, not because others are pulling away, but because the fullness of personal identity cannot be achieved without some degree of aloneness. […] But the unwritten code of our […] culture prohibits aloneness, and this is the second causative factor for a prolonged identity crisis: the obstacles our society imposes to prevent personal reflection.”
In order to love ourselves properly, we must go on a journey from loneliness (incompleteness) to solitude (fullness), but we must go on this journey alone. So if you are suffering from loneliness on this SAD day, don’t run away from your loneliness! Rather, find some time to be alone, quiet, and reflective. If you find yourself in agony and pain from your loneliness, know that this is ok. These are merely growing pains. Happy Valentine’s Day!
“Roses are red. Violets are blue. I love Valentine’s Day because I am single!”